We spend years of our lives worrying about what we say to children, especially when difficult emotions enter the room. We choose our words carefully, filter our conversations, and try to always have the right answer to the hard questions. But we often forget that the deepest lessons a child absorbs do not come from what we say.
They come from what we stay silent about.
Why Adults Go Quiet Around Difficult Emotions
We go quiet around difficult emotions because we don’t know what to say, and because we feel uncomfortable too. We want to protect the child from pain, but we are also afraid of making things worse. More often than not, no one ever taught us how to talk about difficult emotions when we were little.
So we do what feels safest: we change the subject. We say “it’s nothing.” Then we try to distract, offering a toy, a screen, a joke, or a “you’ll be fine.”
That silence seems harmless, even protective. But to a child, silence is a strict teacher. It teaches that certain emotions have no place. It tells the child that what they feel has no name. That fear needs to be hidden. That sadness should be resolved quickly. That longing is an inconvenience. That frustration is ugly. That crying needs to stop before it is understood.
A child does not yet have the maturity to think: “My mum or dad just doesn’t know how to handle this.” They feel it in a simpler and deeper way: “Maybe what I feel cannot be said.”
The Price We Pay in Adulthood
If we look carefully at the world around us, we will find many adults responding to the challenges of everyday life, whether at work, in their marriages, or in their friendships, with the emotional tools they had as children.
We see adults who shout when they are afraid, who withdraw when they are sad, who freeze when they face frustration. They stagnate, losing years of their lives unable to move forward, simply because no one ever gave them the vocabulary to understand what was happening inside them.
Neuroscience and developmental psychology, including the work of experts such as Daniel Siegel, show us that a child’s brain needs the help of a trusted adult to regulate intense emotions. When that co-regulation does not happen and silence takes over, the brain never learns to process discomfort. It is not a lack of intelligence or willpower. It is the result of a childhood where silence was the only response to difficult emotions.
The Courage to Name What We Feel
The good news is that this cycle can be broken. And the tool for doing so is remarkably simple: connection.
A young child does not say: “I am anxious because I am afraid of being separated from you.” They say: “Don’t turn off the light.”, “Stay a little longer.”, “My tummy hurts.”, “I don’t want to go.”, “I’m angry.”, “I don’t like this.” Or perhaps they simply cry, shout, freeze, cling to the adult, or try to control everything around them.
The behaviour shows up on the outside. The emotion is happening on the inside. And this is where the adult becomes a bridge.
When a child learns to name what they feel, something important happens in their brain. The simple act of putting an emotion into words helps to calm the nervous system. They begin to understand that their emotion has value. They learn that there is nothing wrong with feeling afraid, as long as they know what to do with it. A child who grows up in a family where there is space to talk about fear, sadness, longing, and gratitude will become a far more prepared adult, one who is ready to face life.
Talking to children about difficult emotions is not a modern parenting trend. It is a form of emotional prevention. It is a way of helping a child grow with a richer inner vocabulary, greater self-awareness, deeper empathy, and more courage to face real life.
We do not need to have all the answers. Most of the time, all a child needs to hear is: “I know you’re scared. I get scared sometimes too. Let’s talk about it.”
A Collection Born to Break That Silence
This is exactly why I created The Colours of the Heart collection. These are not just bedtime stories. They are bridges. They are tools that give parents and caregivers the perfect opening to start the conversations about difficult emotions that truly matter, using characters and situations that children understand and recognise in themselves.
Because when we stop being afraid to talk about what we feel, we teach our children the greatest virtue of all: the courage to have an open heart.
On the 4th of August, the first two books of The Colours of the Heart collection arrive in the world. I invite you to be part of this journey. One story at a time, let’s give colour, name, and voice to our children’s emotions. Together.
Keep the Journey Going…
Want more ways to help your child talk about big feelings with gentleness, courage, and faith?
The Colours of the Heart collection was created to help families begin the conversations that truly matter, one story at a time.
